This Website is designed for individuals who have had an abortion(s) and who still have pain and guilt whenever the memory comes to mind OR tries to avoid the thoughts all together, resulting in frustration and more guilt and shame.
I want to share my story to give you an idea where I'm coming from so that you know that I know exactly what you have been going through. I was very active sexually as a teenager and young adult. During a three year span I had eight abortions. I used abortions as a means of birth control; after all, it was free at the clinic! These were done during the late 70's. However, I did have two more and a miscarriage in the mid 80's. And during that time I was a Christian! Of course I can justify why I had to make these choices. I can put the blame on those around me or on my situation. I have done that for years, but when I stopped doing that, that was the first step to my healing.
The first thing that I had to come to grips with is that I made the decisions and I finally took the responsibility for those decisions. I know now that it was wrong to have had those abortions, and its the feeling of guilt and shame that stayed with me all these years. Thinking of how old these kids would be and if I'd have any grandchildren. These thoughts not only affected me, but all my relationships as well. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone, so all my relationships were destine to doom. I lived as "victim", full of self-pity, self-hatred, guilt and shame. How can anyone have a solid sound relationship with all that going on in side? It even affected how I responded to children or to young families with young children. Some of you know exactly what I mean, without going into details.
We cannot do anything about changing the past. The past is the past. But we can do something about where we are right now. And that's what I want to bring you to. This information is based on the Word of God and it's the only place you'll find what you are looking for, restoration, peace, stability, and a sound mind. Hey, I know many drugs that can give an illusion that we're OK, but when the drug would wear off, we are right back where we started. I know that some of you have turned to alcohol. But we all know these things aren't the answer. I found the answer. And if I can be healed in my heart, live without shame and guilt, have no pain when I talk about my past, then ANYONE can.
I now can help others who are in the middle of their crisis and pain without feeling the pain of my own past. I can now be compassionate to others without falling apart myself. I am equipped now to help others without the emotion that comes out in memory of my own experiences. See God doesnt necessarily remove the memory but He does remove the pain. Its the pain that is keeping us in torment. Some of you have even developed physical illnesses, not even knowing they are connected. But they are. What a man thinks, so is he. What ever has been going on in our mind WILL eventually manifest in our flesh. It's medically proven and personally I have seen this to be the case. (For more information on spiritual roots to disease, see the link at the top of the page.)
I want to get right down to the truth. There are 3 principles.
I need to go into each step thoroughly to help you understand what they mean.
The first step is to Recognize. Before anyone can be healed within, they have to admit where they are. - Recognize that abortion was wrong. Recognize it was sin. Don't be afraid to admit this. The bible says that "The truth shall make you free" (John 8:32) We have to admit that we had the abortion and not be afraid to speak the truth. I believe many of you reading this do acknowledge this in your heart but it has sat there and sat there causing you pain and grief. but there is HOPE once and for all for you. Keep on reading this information and I believe you will be brought out of all that pain once and for all!
Second step is Responsibility. We need to get back our lives and begin taking responsibility for all our actions. We need to stop blaming others or our circumstances for our choices. Simply accept the truth that you made the decision and that is that. Those who are alcoholics need to acknowledge they have a problem BEFORE they can get helped. It's the same with abortions. It could have been the spouse or boyfriend that made us feel like the abortion was the only choice. It could have been a parent or guardian. It could have been a nurse at the school. It could have just been your own fear of how you would take care of a child. It could be ignorance, like I had, to use the abortions as a means of birth control. I had to stop blaming the people who told me abortion was OK, after all, the baby isn't real yet. I simply stopped all that blaming and took the responsibility upon myself for those decisions. But it doesnt stop there. I know this one is a hard one to grasp, but keep on reading.
The third step is to Repent. Ill bet many of you have been so sorry all your life. Acknowledge the sin before God and confess it to Him. Receive His forgiveness and forgive yourself. (I believe this is the place where many can't get past because we can't forgive ourselves or even think we should be forgiven for the things we did - this is what I'll be covering in detail. I believe that you have already done steps 1 and 2 to some degree, now it's time to get past all that and move into a new phase in your life. I understand that you may have been grieving for that child (or children in many cases) for so many years. You have difficulty parenting the children you do have because of your guilt and shame. It's time to be healed. It's time to take back your life. It's time to move on. It's time to stop grieving. It's time to get out of your grave clothes and walk in the land of the living. If you are ready for this, then continue.
First and foremost is the acknowledging your need of a Savior. Because dear one, we cannot save ourselves from anything. So first things first. To confess Jesus as Lord and receive Him as our Savior. To acknowledge that only through Him will you be healed in your heart and mind. If you want to make this decision, click the link above on "How do I know I'm a Christian?" The Bible tells us that Jesus is the healer of a broken heart. So let's start at the beginning, which is a pretty good place to start. He receives anyone who calls upon Him, no matter WHAT we have done. I'm speaking from experience because if there was anyone who lived a "wild" life, it was me. God is the only one who can heal. Start by asking Jesus in your heart.
The second thing is to allow Him to love you. This is where everyone has a problem. I have known many Christian women who had abortions at an early age, or later in life but are still tormented by those thoughts and other past regrets. But it all boils down to not receiving the Love of God personally. We think, "How can God love me, look what I've done?" But the truth is, He does. This acknowledgment is very important for your restoration and healing to occur. God's love is unconditional. And let me set the record straight, this is NOT the unpardonable sin. The unpardonable sin is to reject Christ as Savior. I know that my past and my relationship with my father (or men for that matter) were not very good. As a matter of fact, this is my fourth marriage and I can't count on my feet and hands all the men I lived with before, in between and after each marriage. I was seeking Love, but I wasn't getting the right kind of Love. What a mess my life was! In my case, I had been a Christian for 18 years before I truly received the Love of God unconditionally for myself. Thats when my heart and life began changing. The Bible says that perfect love casts out all fear because fear has torment (I John 4:16-18). If we are sad all the time, in pain about our memories, if we are fearful, if we have doubts and worries about our future, then we are not receiving His love. If you are not receiving the love of God you are probably in self-hatred, self-rejection, and always feeling guilty and condemned about something. You may think that you dont deserve to be happy because of what you have done. You may even suffer from stress, anxiety, phobias and panic attacks as I did for 30 years. I heard a doctor say something that I believe pertains to us. "If my mental patients knew they were forgiven, they would walk out of this hospital within a week healed." I believe this is true for us too. We have a hard time forgiving ourselves let alone receiving forgiveness from God. We think we have to carry that pain as "penitence" but to tell you the truth, you are trying pay for something you can never repay!
To know God loves you will help you forgive yourself. See while we were yet sinners Christ died for us because of the Love of God toward us. "We love Him because He first loved us." (I John 4:19) We cannot even love God correctly without His love in us first. The problem is not with God the problem is with us believing He loves us and has a good plan for our lives NO MATTER what our choices were. The problem is us not receiving that love. When we receive that kind of love, nothing is impossible. We begin to love ourselves properly, WITHOUT condition. See, our love is human love, it is full of conditions. There are flaws and ultimatums in our love with ourselves and with others. Sometimes we think we have to "do" something to be loved. But with God, HE IS LOVE, He cannot do anything else, nor are we to do anything else but receive it. (I John 4:16) He loves you RIGHT now even with all the past mistakes. He saw you do them, He was right there watching. Nothing was hid from Him. Yet He loves you. Yet He wants to heal your heart. Why? Because you are His daughter. The children that were conceived are with Him right now. He beholds their face every day. He wants you to join them someday in Heaven. He wants you to look up toward the heavens not down to the ground. By allowing the truth to penetrate your heart, and recognize the things that you have done point blank, will bring healing! Its "knowing" the truth, which sets us free. Dont be afraid to see the junk in your life. Once you see it, then its Gods job to clean it out and heal you!
The third thing is to receive forgiveness from God and forgive yourself. Of course you and I both know that this one is very hard. Until you begin receiving the Love of God for yourself, it will be literally impossible to forgive yourself. So how do we do this? By confessing your sin before Him. This is an example of how God began restoring me. I prayed, "Lord I had many abortions. Each one was a child Lord. I admit my sin and I thank you for forgiving me of my sins. God, you said in I John 1:9 that if I confess my sins You are faithful and just to forgive me of all my sins and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness. By faith I receive the forgiveness for my abortions. In Jesus name. Amen."
So now that He knows I mean business, He wants to clean up everything in my heart and help me forgive anyone and everyone that was involved in these decisions. Because, from the abortions we have had, we take on other sins. For example because of the abortions, we may have became fearful, angry, hopeless, helpless, uncertain, unstable, hurt, painful, depressed, suicidal, addicted to drugs or alcohol, bitter, resentful, man hater, self-hatred, self-rejection, abandoned, offended easily, ashamed, embarrassed, jealous and envy, condemned, liar, distressed, to name a few. These are the "sins" that you retained, they have to be confessed. Not just the abortion, but all the "junk" that goes along with it. Its these sins that are keeping you from being set free in your mind and allowing you to receive blessings from God. The bible says in Isaiah 59:1-2 and Jeremiah 5:25 that it's our sins and iniquities that prevent good things from happening to us. These things that you just named need to be confessed as well.
So take your "rap sheet" to the Lord and confess these sins to Him. Thank Him for forgiving you of these sins and believe that He WILL wash you clean. God never goes against His Word, He said that IF you confess your sins, HE will cleanse you from them. Our job is to confess and His job is to cleanse and restore us. Let's take Him at His Word. Lets not make it more complicated than it really is.
Let me explain what is happening here. By identifying YOUR SINS that you became because of your past you are now at the brink of a breakthrough. See when you receive forgiveness for those sins they are removed once and for all from your life. You are FREE from these sins. Jesus is the only one who can forgive sins. By His death on the cross, he carried them all for us so we won't have to anymore. If this is true in your life, then what we confessed is no longer there. Once we confessed these things, we are MADE free. Now we can truly forgive ourselves because there is nothing left to keep us from doing so. It's like we never committed the action of sin in the first place!
The fourth thing is to forgive anyone that has hurt you. In the case of the abortion(s) we need to forgive the father of the child and anyone else that was involved in the decisions you made. This is not always easy, but is required for you to find the peace you need. The bible says that "If you dont forgive your brother (people who hurt you) then I (God) wont forgive you either." (Matthew 6:14) We have to first reconcile to our brother before coming to God. That is why our prayers arent being heard. There is too much unforgiveness toward other people!
So, how do we forgive someone we cant forgive? If you follow these steps, you will find out. Get out a piece of paper and draw a line down the center of it making two columns. Place the name of the individual at the top of the page. Begin writing down things on the left column they did that hurt you. This may take some time, but thats OK. Ask God to help you. Dont be afraid of the emotional pain, its all part of the healing process. Then on the right column, write down things YOU became because of that person. For example, you may have become fearful, angry, bitter, resentful, ashamed, etc. It may be some of the same sins you confessed earlier, but thats OK. Sins are piled upon sins, thats why we are so sick, emotionally and physically. The sins you just recognized are the sins you have taken on from that person. John 20:23 says that "Whose soever sins ye remit shall be remitted unto them, and whose soever sins ye remiss, shall be remissed." What its saying is that when we dont forgive the person from our heart immediately, THEIR sins jump on us. Now we are carrying not only our own junk, but also all the other persons too! How heavy that becomes in our spirit! No wonder we are so sick and tired. We are carrying stuff that our bodies werent meant to carry.
Once you have identified these sins of yours, you 1 John 1:9 them! Yes, take them to God and receive forgiveness for them. This will cause God to remove them from your life, allowing you the ability to forgive the person needing forgiveness. You are now free to forgive yourself.
Another area is in the area of accusations (select this link to go into that session). We have inadvertently blamed God for not intervening in the situation, whether its having the abortion or someone hurting us. We have secretly doubted Him, this is what is keeping us from our restoration and healing. We have to restore our relationship with God in order for the rest to fall into place. Afterall, He's the blessing giver, He's the restorer, and if we have a breach with Him, how can we be healed? How can we receive anything from someone we dont trust, been dissapointed with, or are mad at?
The process of forgiving yourself is not a long process if you have the pieces. We have a hard time forgiving ourselves becuase of Guilt and Condemnation (select this link to go into that session). Receive forgiveness for yourself (select this link to go into that session) once and for all and let GOD do the healing and watch Him move in your life. As God began healing me, He also showed me that I never grieved over these children. So one day, I did. Along with that grieving I named each one. Once I began seeing them as people, that's when healing really set in my heart. For so long, they were just "them" or "its" or "abortions". I never placed a name or even a face. I have now. I even have 10 crosses on my property that represent each child. They are alive and well, and I am celebrating the fact that I had a part in bringing them into this world, if not for this life but for the life after. A huge healing took place in my heart.This is how the Lord helped me to heal. Remember, each of us are different and on different walks. Ive shared how He helped me. He will do the same for you in a personal way that's just for you. But I do know that if you can name your children, you have put a face to them, you are on the verge of your breakthrough. If it's very painful and you just can't face it, then go back to the studies above to receive your restoration before going on.
What are the results of doing all this? Well, my life with my husband has completely transformed. Where there wasnt much intimacy, we are now very intimate. Where I had problems looking at babies without wanting to "hurt" them, those thoughts and feelings are no longer there. Where I was jealous of young families with children, these thoughts and feelings are no longer there. Im FREE from the pain of those memories. I can speak of the abortions without gripping pain in my chest. I can now help others, like you, who need to be set free. I can see others and have relationship with others without my past hurts causing my response. What I mean is that for example: When I saw a family with children, I wouldn't be very friendly to them because my jealousy was manifesting. When I started to have a relationship with anyone, I was always full of suspicion. These responses are from what was still in my heart that hadn't been purged yet!
Look at my life! I had numerous abortions. Ive had almost every sexual disease under the sun. I lived with men after men. I had been married four times. I gave my son up at age 2 1/2 to be raised by his father. I lied and cheated. I had a fowl mouth that only spoke cursing. I can go on and on, but I think you get the picture. Im someone who doesnt thing she should ever be blessed with anything. Yet I am. I am happier than I could have ever dreamed possible. I have a wonderful husband who loves me. I have a beautiful home on 8 acres, in a retreat setting besides a beautiful rushing river. I have a wonderful job and great friends. I have a ministry God has entrusted to me to help others, like you. I write and produce musicals and plays. I sing and have opportunities to put together concerts and community outreach events. God has given me a desire to help teenagers, not to mention care for small children. My son and I are great friends; hes 27 years old now. These are the blessings God has given to me IN SPITE of my decisions that I made in my life. I have peace in my heart and mind. There is no pain left in me. Its the PAIN in us that prevents us from moving on. I wont ever forget that I had 10 abortions. I wont ever forget the many men I lived with. I wont ever forget the problems I caused my family. But I also wont forget how much GOD loves me. It was coming to the acknowledgment of His love and receiving His love along with forgiving myself and others that has afforded me all these blessings. Its not that I do everything right, I dont, but its that I confessed my heart to God and let Him heal and set me free. It was when I recognized I had unforgiveness in my heart toward others and myself, that I blamed everyone and expected justice, I blamed God for allowing the pain in my life, and even Him, that He was able to set me free.
I find that every area of a person's life have the same foundational needs. One of the main areas is with fear. Fear is prevalant in women who have had abortions. Fear of people finding out, fear of losing a child or causing deformation in the other children, fear that we are paying for that mistake, fear of God not loving us, fear, fear, fear. Fear is addressed throughout the teachings below as it plays in every part of our lives.
Be sure to access the Blocks teaching. A person who had experienced this type of trauma will no doubt develop walls. They have to be removed for complete restoration.
If you want personal ministry in the area of abortion recovery, please contact the LAM office at (530) 620-2712 or write to LAM, P.O. Box 165, Mt. Aukum, CA 95656.
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