Healing for Vietnam Veterans

I served in the army airborne in Vietnam 1966- 1967. I spent time on point and recon. I am a disabled veteran and was told I would always have a severe limp. I almost lost my leg.

I am 56 years old (2002) but it seems like yesterday in my mind that it all happened. So much took place out there, many of us have not returned from the war yet, in our minds. I am continually haunted by memories of yesterday. My thoughts are full of things that happened that I couldn't erase. They play over and over in my head. Things that only lasted a minute have lasted a lifetime! Forget about sleeping, the only way I could deal with the nights was to drive. Driving seemed to help keep my mind off things but I was on a self-destruction mission. I felt that because I didn’t get killed over there, I was invincible for sure here. I had built a Harley and began riding like there was no tomorrow. I used all the vices of the world to get through each day. Women were available but I couldn’t have a relationship because all I had on my mind was the war. It was all I could do to hold a job. I worked all right, but alone. No one dared approach me, they left me alone. Something you got use to. You leaned in Nam that you don’t make friends with the new guys because you knew they wouldn’t be around very long. My heart was hardened and all I did day after day in the jungle was learn to survive and kill anything that moved.

One day, 15 years after my tour of duty, I no longer could stand the torment of the memories anymore. Things got more intense as the years went by. The memories became ingrained in my mind that they became bigger and bigger and harder to deal with. The only way I could get out of this mess was to kill myself. But then I was unsure about that because I didn't understand why I wasn't killed over there. So I struggled with the thoughts of suicide, but still couldn’t go on like this.

I tried talking to God but I had my doubts about Him because how could a God of love let all this happen. I recall one guy, a devoted "Believer" who would share things about his faith with the other guys. I even felt kinda invincible around him knowing he had a direct line to the Almighty when one day I watched him get blown up. My whole idea of God that day got blown up too! I felt God betrayed this "Believer" and I lost faith then. I really wasn’t sure what to expect, if any thing, when I decided to call on God again. I truly wanted to live. I wanted my life back. To be sane again! I wanted peace of mind. I didn't want to live under the guilt I had been carrying all these years. The guilt of being alive.

Too many things changed when I returned to the States, no one knew me anymore, nor did I care. There was no one to trust. The war became between me and everything and everyone. So I called on God again. I remember what I felt but not exactly what I said, it must have been OK because I knew I had been changed inside. Something happened this time. As time went on, I got to know Him and His Son Jesus. I found a river and baptized myself. I was still alone physically, but not spiritually. I realized the sacrifice Jesus gave toward a world that was insane, and still is.

"Jesus came to save that which was lost" is what I remember reading form the bible a long time ago. He didn’t take the situations or memories away, but did come to give power, contentment, peace of mind and understanding to get through and overcome them. The hate I harbored began to subside. The guilt I was living began to diminish. Not until I came to grips with God was I able to share any of this with my wife - who is writing all this down for me. I still remember everything as yesterday, but it doesn’t overtake me like it did before. The nights are still long at times, but I’m not alone anymore. I don’t have to sleep with one eye open for self-preservation. I have come to know the One who is my preserver and my protector. I can sleep through the night now. Jesus took residence in my life and can live in you too. He can forgive you of everything, no matter what it was or is. I know, I had a lot to be forgiven for. He can even help you forgive others. He already suffered on the cross for you; you no longer have to suffer any longer. The bible says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoseover believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life." John 3:16

If you suffer from pain (physically or mentally), guilt, hate, confusion, alcoholism, drug abuse, insanity or the like, it’s time to be made whole again. You can be delivered as I was. If you are not a believer, ask Jesus in your heart now. If you are a believer, ask Him to help you to forgive and help you let it go. Ask Him to cleanse your mind from thoughts of the war and destruction and help you begin a new life NOW. It’s not too late! I once thought it was, but God showed me different. All I had to do was ask. Ask Him today! The bible says that we have not because we ask not.

I now have a life. I have been married 13 years at the writing of this (2002), and am loved as I’ve never been loved before. My wife honors me. She cares for me and I care for her. We communicate every day. We share our intimate thoughts and feelings with each other. Something I never could do. There was just too much hurt in the way.

I don’t know what plans God has for you, but if He did all this for me, He can do it for you.

Oh, by the way, I don’t walk with a limp either…

Rover

A prayer for you: Psalm 51:1-2

"Have mercy on me O God, according to they loving kindness, according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies, blot our my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from all my sins."

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